If I Was a Time Traveler
by Rosie Rey
I imagine traveling back in time to my past closeted self. The self that spent twenty-nine years disassociated from the world. The shell of a person who contemplated suicide daily. I had no idea how much life I was missing by not coming out as a trans woman. Italics in this font represent my current self speaking and nonitalic words in this font represent my closeted shell of a person replying (my past self is in my 20’s for sake of this conversation). I imagine the conversation going something like this…
Have you thought about being a woman before?
Who hasn’t?
Actually, while the thought of changing genders might occasionally come to cis people, it doesn’t tend to persist with cis people every day like does for many trans people, including you.
Well I could see myself being partially trans but I don’t think I can come out. I’m not trans enough.
What do you mean by being “trans enough?”
I don’t have enough dysphoria.
Hun, you have so much dysphoria it is your fucking NORM. You live and breathe dysphoria. You disassociate because of dysphoria. You deserve to be yourself, not just a shell of a person.
Well is it really that different? I’ll just be a man wearing a dress.
You’ll learn that it is not about how others see you, it is about how you see yourself. And those who see you for who you are can celebrate your true self with you.
What about the people who won’t accept me?
Right now nobody accepts who you are because you aren’t letting anyone see who you are. So it can only get better: You can only get more people seeing you – THE REAL YOU – by honoring yourself.
My family though.
What about them?
I feel bad for them. Learning a new name? Learning new pronouns? That is a huge ask. Maybe I’ll come out after my parents pass away… Or maybe I’ll move to a new city, come out and then return home after my transition.
There is no “after transition” dear girl. There is only becoming more and more of your true self. As for family, just like other people, they are given a choice – celebrate who you really are or hold onto the shell of a person you are now. And let’s be honest, do you think you’ll survive much longer living like this?
No.
With your life on the line, what have you got to lose?
Well male privilege is powerful, I could do more good in this world by presenting as male and using male privilege to challenge toxic masculinity.
At the cost of what, your life? How much longer can you keep this up before you give up? You shouldn’t sacrifice yourself to make the world a better place… Besides, think about all of the trans children who can see you being out. Who can know they can be themselves in a way you weren’t allowed to. Being visibly trans paves the way for those after you in a way pretending to be a man never will.
Well maybe being trans shouldn’t be such a big deal. Gender over all shouldn’t be such a big deal – After all, its all just a social construct. Why do I even want to be more fem presenting? Is this just internalized misogyny to process? And what if I’m an ugly girl if I transition?
STOP. First of all, if a girl talked to you about feeling ugly, you know you would want to be supportive about the fucking patriarchy’s pressure on women being only worth sexualization. That’s something other girls have to fight too, it’s bullshit and you don’t deserve it. And the social construct stuff? Throughout history there have always been trans people IN EVERY SOCIETY. Social constructs may affect gender roles, sure, but there are aspects of femininity that appeal to you. If you can love your body more by having feminizing HRT and getting softer skin, a rounder face, some boobs and hips… That feels more right for you. So why not do it? In fact, you get to challenge gender roles intentionally by being trans! You feel women shouldn’t have to shave their legs, so fucking don’t. Don’t like makeup? Don’t wear it. You can be you, this isn’t some weird male gaze or want or sex thing. That’s all just transphobic bullshit you’ve internalized. You can celebrate your body as you transition… And others who truly see you as yourself can celebrate with you too!
Maybe I would if I was younger – I’m too old to transition.
It is never too late to be yourself. Look at stories of older trans people who come out later on in life: they are happy they did. Don’t waste more life than you have to. I was a shell of a person for twenty-nine years. The best time to transition was yesterday. So grab a time traveler if you have one. But you can’t time travel, the best time to start being yourself is today.